Future.

Since really, I use this as a diary... and a place to look back at for notes about my life, I'll have to mention that I dropped out of university so that I can go and obtain a goal and a life I want in a completely different stream.

I'm going to live for me.
This is maturity.

Roleplay.

It's very, very easy to start to fall for someone that you roleplay with... because you share these intense emotions with each other and suddenly, this friend of yours from 1,500 miles away who you skype with everyday turns into the one person you can't stand living your day without... and you crave getting into character because you can show your feelings and love them and it's completely accepted...

and then one day as a joke you bring up the distant possibility that you could be together.. in a world where you both aren't dating anyone and you are one-hundred percent sure that your RP partner is into women... and then she tells you that she is in fact, attracted to women... and that the 'distant possibility' is more possible than you know... because she wants it too.

And when our followers ask if we're dating, she answers ambiguously, leaving it up to them, rather than outright stating that she has a boyfriend and that you're in a relationship as well.

She tells you she loves you when she logs off, and does so reluctantly, because your absence is just as numbing in her daily life as it is for yours. You say 'I love you too'. You 'jokingly' call each other your girlfriend.

She sneaks her phone at work so she can message you... but so do you. You talk about boring things, gross things, nerdy things, lovely things... sexy things. Things that you shouldn't be talking about it.

She's someone you see in your dreams now... You find yourself counting the miles and evaluating just how long it would take to go visit her... but even if you could... this isn't that alternate universe where you're both unattached and ready to go at each other like prey. Except that you are ready, and you probably shouldn't be.

It is very easy to turn fictional feelings into real feelings.
It is very easy to fall for your roleplay partner.

Mind the gap.

I've been in weird relationships before.
I even dated someone eleven years older than me...
but this is bad.

I'm talking with a beautiful guy in California. (age 23)
I got invited into a threesome with a gorgeous couple. (age 23 and 25)
and [redacted]

Cali. boy is miles away and can never be what I need.
Menage-a-trois couple are super sexy and titillating, but I'm not really into that.
[redacted]

This is what I mean by weird.

(edited in 2020 from embarrassment)

Ugliness.

I despise unattractive people.

I feel sick when I have to stare at unattractive people for too long.
Ugliness hurts me.
Big noses, crooked teeth with gaps the size of canyons.
Overbites so far over-bitten that I fear for the skin below their lips.
Small eyes set so far apart that their peripheral field must be a wide expanse.
Awkward, tall lankiness, the stature of a weak, naked tree.
Ugliness.
Only the attractive deserve my time of day.

I....
I am unattractive. 

Summertime Sadness.

I've been... useless as of late.
It's all a disaster.
School, money, love, life... I keep wasting shit and i'm a fucking slacker.
and i'm fine with the slacking..

I don't want to do anything... but I want summer romance... I want someone. I am lonely. So so so lonely.

Cupcakes.

For years i've lived with the thought that i'm shit at baking, or using the stove in general. It wasn't until more recently that I sat down and decided to try making cupcakes.

The first time, I called Natasha because I wasn't confident.

The second, Natasha came over, and did most of the baking, though I had a blast decorating.

The third time, I did it completely alone, and it was comforting.

The fourth, it was euphoric...oddly artistically freeing and calming and exhilarating... but mostly therapeutic.

It is said that we bake to relieve stress, which I thought to be a myth for years, but the smell of vanilla cupcakes rising, and the colours of icing swirling together in intricate patterns with sprinkles adorning the top, while quiet music blurs into the background, has convinced me that this tale is true.

Cupcakes have brought a silent joy to my day... a smile to my face and made me feel significantly more accomplished.

Oddly enough, I am now living with this thought that I excel at baking.... or at least cupcake decorating...

I am not shit at baking.

Doubt.

Lately I've been doubting myself a lot and I realize that this is the exact same problem I had when I was younger.

Doubting my intelligence, talent, beauty... friendships.

Just doubting everything.

I didn't get into all the second year programs I applied to, more importantly, I didn't get into the ones I was meant to get into (according to my parents and sister).
I doubt I'll ever be something they want me to be.

My cosplays don't get nearly as much recognition as they should... well, at least that's what I first think. Then I think, 'maybe I don't deserve the attention. Maybe I'm just a shit costumer'...
I doubt i'm as talented in the eyes of others as I claim to be.

Beauty.... I fight to convince myself daily that my body is beautiful and I am deserving of my pageant crowns and sashes... but maybe I'm not. Maybe i'm fooling myself with make-up and lighting and well angled selfies.
Maybe i'm not so beautiful.

And my best friend. My beautiful best friend who would probably hit me for this.. but I will always, in the back of my mind think that I am not worthy of her. That i'm just annoying her, and that truly she tells other people that i'm a leach that has attached to her and won't let go. I fear when people ask her who her best friend is, that she says someone else's name, or worse, 'all my friends are my best friends!'....
I doubt her friendship, and I shouldn't, but I do, and I can't not.

Admittedly, I doubt my own being. I doubt what I can do. I doubt what I am. I doubt what I might be. I doubt those around me.
And this is why I'm fading again.

because i'm doubting my existence.

Adventures in infiltration.

I feel like I really shouldn't be mentioning any of this on the internet, but it's not like anyone (except maybe Clara) reads these.

I'm a bit of a creep.
You could even say stalker.

When I want someone who's popular online to be my internet friend... it happens.

Because I infiltrate their friendship circles.

At this point, i've done it 3 times successfully and i'm on my way to another.

I'm devious... and creepy as fuck.

but I get what I want.

Hurricane...

Welcome to the inner workings of my mind 
so dark and foul I can't disguise
can't disguise 
nights like this 
I become afraid 
of the darkness in my heart 
hurricane


I just feel like I can't catch a break from all of this.
November I drank...a lot... alcohol was my best friend... keeping me from the heart ache of having to watch a girl i'd fallen for ask someone else out.. and after we slept together too.. 
December I became unintentionally anorexic. I just wasn't hungry at all... I was ridiculously underweight, passing out and feeling dizzy.. 
Recently gained a safe amount back.. but now i feel like fat shit. Not that i'll do anything about it.
My father is making my life a hell with all this driving shit. I don't want to get my license... I never wanted to, my parents paid $900 for this shit when they knew I was scared to drive.. and now they're wondering why the fuck i'm wasting it.
School is shit, I want to change my major, but my sister who fucking runs my life won't allow it.

I'm failing school, work, my body, my parents, my sister....

I'm just a failure right now.