Cupcakes.

For years i've lived with the thought that i'm shit at baking, or using the stove in general. It wasn't until more recently that I sat down and decided to try making cupcakes.

The first time, I called Natasha because I wasn't confident.

The second, Natasha came over, and did most of the baking, though I had a blast decorating.

The third time, I did it completely alone, and it was comforting.

The fourth, it was euphoric...oddly artistically freeing and calming and exhilarating... but mostly therapeutic.

It is said that we bake to relieve stress, which I thought to be a myth for years, but the smell of vanilla cupcakes rising, and the colours of icing swirling together in intricate patterns with sprinkles adorning the top, while quiet music blurs into the background, has convinced me that this tale is true.

Cupcakes have brought a silent joy to my day... a smile to my face and made me feel significantly more accomplished.

Oddly enough, I am now living with this thought that I excel at baking.... or at least cupcake decorating...

I am not shit at baking.

Doubt.

Lately I've been doubting myself a lot and I realize that this is the exact same problem I had when I was younger.

Doubting my intelligence, talent, beauty... friendships.

Just doubting everything.

I didn't get into all the second year programs I applied to, more importantly, I didn't get into the ones I was meant to get into (according to my parents and sister).
I doubt I'll ever be something they want me to be.

My cosplays don't get nearly as much recognition as they should... well, at least that's what I first think. Then I think, 'maybe I don't deserve the attention. Maybe I'm just a shit costumer'...
I doubt i'm as talented in the eyes of others as I claim to be.

Beauty.... I fight to convince myself daily that my body is beautiful and I am deserving of my pageant crowns and sashes... but maybe I'm not. Maybe i'm fooling myself with make-up and lighting and well angled selfies.
Maybe i'm not so beautiful.

And my best friend. My beautiful best friend who would probably hit me for this.. but I will always, in the back of my mind think that I am not worthy of her. That i'm just annoying her, and that truly she tells other people that i'm a leach that has attached to her and won't let go. I fear when people ask her who her best friend is, that she says someone else's name, or worse, 'all my friends are my best friends!'....
I doubt her friendship, and I shouldn't, but I do, and I can't not.

Admittedly, I doubt my own being. I doubt what I can do. I doubt what I am. I doubt what I might be. I doubt those around me.
And this is why I'm fading again.

because i'm doubting my existence.