2022?!?!

HUZZAH! 

I have better news.

I managed to quit my job that I fucking hate! 

And I'm moving to Texas in April!

WHAT???? I swear to god I'm not lying. Things are actually this good. And I have a lot of mobility and strength in my ankle back. It's not perfect but I can walk.

My sisters are however, still fighting. The rift is open and it is vast.

2021.

 Welcome to 2020 2.0!

No. I did not manage to get married.

No. I did not manage to move to Texas.

No. I did not manage to quit my job that I fucking hate. 

Yes. I managed to get Covid-19, from my irresponsible parents.

Yes. I managed to be one of the 10% of women aged 20-30 who ended up suffering from Parosmia post-covid. It is plagueing my ability to eat or even smell myself.

Yes. I managed to avoid the dentist long enough again to need another tooth ripped out of my mouth, but this time it's in my smile.

Yes. I managed to fall down the stairs and break my ankle severely in three spots. I'm still learning to walk again.

Yes. My last family Christmas in Canada was ruined by my narcisst eldest sister over some fucking pancakes. But hey, at least she's exposed to the rest of the family for what she is now. Something I've had to deal with since I was a child. 

Dear me sometime next year when I update this... please... for the love of god please... have better news. 

I don't write poetry or write at all in general anymore but I'm leaving this below.

_________

The veil.

The veil came down. 
Now everyone can see her through the eyes I wore as a child. The eyes worn out, rolled back in my head in disgust and irritation from the years and years of being told to "give her the benefit of the doubt", to "put myself in her shoes".
Her shoes? What about my shoes?
She forcefully strapped those shoes onto me as a child to dictate and manipulate me, and those meant to protect me. 
"I raised you" she says, and I hear "I restricted you".
"I helped you" she argues, and I know she means "I managed you".
"I lead you" she brags, and I can only remember it being more like "I governed you".
But the veil came down before my tired eyes early on. As if one day I found a crack in the carefully crafted walls that she built with her blueprints of deceit, and my feet, no longer little, but still covered in velcro shoes, meant for the child that she decided needed discipline, kicked and kicked until I made a hole big enough for just me. 
And I took those shoes off at the exit....
The shoes now worn by her little daughter. Hand-me-downs that will train her to be compliant and to fear questioning.
To fear making decisions. To fear the woman who showers her in false affirmations of support laced in restraint.
Lies disguised as love.
Attention disguised as Affection.
Gifts and trips that are nothing but bargaining chips.
I can only hope that her eyes grow tired and weary of the false reality, masterfully patterned around her.
I can only hope she finds the weak spots in the walls and bulldozes them down.
I can only hope that she rips that veil with the power she's given from those meant to protect her, the ones who can see clearly now and will do anything to give her the same sight.
The ones who will help her take off those shoes and leave them to never be worn again.

2020.

Hello from the worst year in my 27 years of existence.

It's not that terrible for me specifically, but we're in a global pandemic, and a human rights crisis. What this means for me, however is that I now work from home like a slob and I can avoid the logistics of moving my entire life to the US.

And you know I love procrastination!

That being said, it's actually likely more so avoidance behaviour and if it wasn't obvious years ago, I also very likely have ADHD. Too bad it takes effort to go see a psychologist!

I have another cat (since 2017 actually), I play a lot of video games and I'm kind of just coasting. I'd dare say, as much as this strange time is setting me back mentally, this is allll I've ever dreamed of.

2020 is strange. I don't really mind.

I mean, once I get past that dreadful feeling of impending doom lingering in the background.

Also I'm better about my fiance's gender thing now. It still feels like something that will go away in a few years, but I'm too indifferent to care now.

Also the whole famjam knows I'm a big ol lesbian now. The only person who cares is my father, as we assumed he would. Everyone else doesn't give a shit. It's cool to have that off my shoulders.

Until next year maybe.

Willow.

Also I lost Willow in September.

2019.

I am not okay.

I am mean.

I'm a mean girl.

But also my partner is mean.

I don't even know how to write this.

I can't deal with all this "I'm nonbinary" shit from her.. It's fucking stupid and feels 100% like a special snowflake thing to be popular online. I don't believe for a second that in ten years she'll still see herself as "non-gendered".

Today has been hard.

Lately has been hard.

We have rings for each other but right now I don't even know if I want to give it to her.

I'll be on a trip with her in like 5 days, and I'll just have to deal with my weird, deep rooted anger.

I don't think this is the person I want to marry.

I'll check back in a year probably.

Hopefully happy.

2018.

I feel like it's necessary to check back in here every once in a while.

Things are good.

I use the word good because they're not excellent, but they're not bad.

Just good.


I'm still happily in love. That's going very well for me. We still have issues regarding marriage and relocating.


-----------

I never finished this but I need to post it.

2017.

Since my last post, I've graduated a Visual Merchandising college program, got a job with an incredible company and moved to a different city (officially next weekend). I've also become the decently famous cosplayer I've wanted to be since I was 13. Additionally, I lost my best friend to a man-baby who she claims to love. Luckily I gained another best friend from it all. And an amazing roommate. Though I'll be on my own soon. Oh and in 2014, I was forced out of the closet by my sister.

I've grown up a lot...

I have fears.

I talked about falling in love with her, you know who I mean. I wrote about her in 2013. We're still in love. Only things are hard... I'm comfortable here with this life. Things are good for me. Things are not good for her. All she wants is for me to move 1,500 miles from home to be with her.

I'd be miserable.

Also, shit is going down in the US... basically dictatorship levels of shit...

I've been living in a state of limbo, that exists in deep waters with a high, fast moving tide... there's been a lot of swaying. Nausea. Anxiety.

Also I almost couldn't recover this account and I freaked out.. this weird blog is actually really important to me. I look back at it. I write the very private things I can't write anywhere else.

I need this.

Please, I ask the world to just send me positive things only this year....